love hurt you
and it hurts me
just to see what we can do
to ourselves and to each other
without really meaning to

--'the bramble and the rose'

so. today two people told me i'm hot. that was really...amusing. not sure what else to say. part of conversation with dyer:
dyer: lol...how about in plain english...YOUR FUCKING HOT...lol HAH
i: jesus. you can't be serous.
i: I AM NOT.
d: quite frankly...you are
i: wow.
d: wow what?
i: you are the first guy to actually say that to me.
i: ever.
d: are you fuckin gshitting me?
i: no.
d: jesus christ
d: i mean honestly you are freakin beautiful
d: its the first thing i noticed
i: thanks.
d: heh no problem i only speak the truth
i: right.
d: lol...im honestly shocked
i: i still think you're off your rocker.
d: why...your gorgeous
i: ::blushes::
d: i mean im not trying to make any moves here or anything
i: i KNOW that.
i: if you were i'd be a lot more violent
d: lol...im just saying im not makin gmoves...but you really are beautiful...
i: okay okay okay.
d: heh im gonna say it till you believ it
i: ::laughs::
i: 1. i'm not ugly, but 2. i'm not any prettier than most other girls out there.
d: scus me for being skeptical
i: you're excused
d: but you are far batter looking then id say a good 80-90%
d: better*
i: whatever you want to think.

and that was the second in one day. first was tara on the phone earlier. *amused and depressed* (how does that work?)

what's wrong with me? why can't i just sit back and enjoy the ride? i keep getting myself swept into things that i then can't or don't want to get out of...and my life ends up screwed up because of it. i have to STOP this pattern of falling for my closest friends because things can never go back to normal. i will not this time. i can't do this. STOP! just stop. please. i can't take it. i want you so much and yet i don't and there is so much that would never be the same again if i gave in and allowed myself to be pulled into this too. why can't i ever meet and fall for people that aren't inaccessable but also aren't my best friends? I CAN'T KEEP SCREWING UP FRIENDSHIPS! somebody make me stop. i'm caught in a downward spiral that will effectively erase everything good about my life. i'm so mixed up about all this. i want and yet i don't want love.

i'll explain all this shit in a few days when i get back.