this kinda makes me believe in fate.

that and the fact that toni was almost in my class at my old school but went to c*sti instead and we still ended up in the same class.

something odd is going on here.

the plot thickens. tamar and i were almost named each other. i've known for months that she was almost named iris, but just found out tonight that i was almost named mara. this is just too weird.

i wonder how different we'd be if our names had been switched like that.

a lot of decisions i make or other people made about me make me wonder what would have happened if i/they had decided the opposite. like if i'd decided to go to harker instead of c*stilleja or not gone to gms or been in the somphomores' class or if my parents had named me mara instead of iris.

and what are the odds of two people ending up in the same school who were almost named each other's names and are theatre/english dorks who slack off in science and therefore get almost exactly the same grade in that class? pretty damn low, i would imagine. and yet this very thing has happened. still kind of freaked out by this whole thing. it was bizarre enough that tamar was almost named iris but that i was almost named mara...that is just beyond weird. i give up trying to understand this.

cool.

on the bright side, tara (my super cool 17-year-old neighbour) is spending the night here tomorrow night 'cuz it's the full moon so we're going to camp out on the lawn with candles and maybe a ouija board and just generally have fun. tara's one of those people i can really talk to about nearly anything. seriously. when it's just the two of us we listen to music and talk and walk around and are really close friends but when my sister's around she gets in the way of everything. she's just her annoying little self and is all loud when tara and i usually manage to communicate without using too many words at all. *sigh* i take back the bit about kidnapping me. kidnap my sister instead. please.

today's song i want to choreograph a dance to: refuge, by allette brooks
thou whom art adored
seek refuge in my blindess
thou whom art adored
seek refuge

these are the gifts given in silence
unwrapped with no bow
not lilies or violets
they appear to go unseen
but i put out a full plate
and you left it empty
yeah i put out

thou whom art adored
seek refuge in my blindness
thou whom art adored
seek refuge

so we sit swaying in the ship's hold
you take a candle to the map
and point to your gold
but that which i have sought
is already found

thou whom art adored
seek refuge in my blindness
thou whom art adored
seek refuge
seek refuge
seek refuge

truth be told my dear
i know you are leaving
but i will stay here
so fold up your parchment
let the night sky be your guide
and i will blow out the candle
yes i will put out this fire
for you

thou whom art adored
seek refuge in my blindness
thou whom art adored
seek refuge

thou whom art adored
seek refuge in my blindness
thou whom art adored
seek refuge
seek refuge
seek refuge

i called hannah today but got her answering machine *pout*. no phone talking for iris today. call me, hannah.

i have to spend tomorrow with my family. somebody kidnap me, please.

TODAY IS MY ONE MONTH ANNIVERSARY. CAN I SHIP MY FAMILY TO ANTARCTICA AND THEN BROADCAST TO THE REST OF THE WORLD THAT I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND?

as of right now i have exactly a month of blog posts on my page. that makes me really happy. what all happened this month?

oh my god i just remembered! happy one month anniversary, hannah! i'll call you tomorrow. one month. eeeee! i love you, hun. email me, call me, snog me.

whoa the time feature on this is fucked up...i think you'll need to just ignore when it says i wrote these. right now it's 11:07 pm on may 24th.

i should stop checking other people's blogs.
i should go write in my journal.
i should go sleep.
i should stop waiting for emails. none are going to come tonight.
if i don't go to bed, i should see if tamar's still online.
i would call hannah but her mother would kill me.
i should sleep.
i wanna snog.
i need to sleep.
good night.

oh the wonders of late night im conversations.
tamar: it's a niris again!
i: really? where?
t: i dont' know.
i: *looks around* iris?
i: i think she went on holiday
t: where to?
t: and to whom am i speaking?
i: the one who calls herself rainbow girl
t: i seeeeee.
t: and where have you taken iris?
i: i think she's back now
i: minus one brain
t: oh, got it. okay. hi brainless iris
i: 'allo
t: did rainbow girl steal your brain?
i: yeah, i think so
i: it's in the shop for repairs
t: i see. what's wrong with it?
i: lack of sleep
i: i told them not to fix the partial insanity
t: oh, gotcha. phew.
i: *smile*
t: you had me scared for a second there.
t: so how are you, other than brainless?
i: euphoric
i: i still maintain that the ice cream was spiked
t: ouch. i guess it was.

not that the ice cream at lunch was actually spiked, i've just been in this euphoric mood all day. so i joked that the ice cream was spiked.

hannah: if you read this, call me tomorrow.

everybody else call me too if you want to. i'm not going anywhere tomorrow. email me if you need my number. certain people who still haven't called me already have my number. so call or email or some such. i'm stuck in the boonies with my little sister and a bunch of chickens and my neighbor's sheep.

term time countdown: four days plus finals. gah!

this year is so not going to end. i don't want it to. they can't make us go home for the summer. i swear it's gotta be unconstitutional or something to send us back to the insane asylums we "live" in.

speaking of that...i just have to post this:
i: three day weekends need to DIE.
tamar: yes, they do.
t: mom: so do you have work? tamar: it's a catch-up weekend. mom: okay, then be ready to do a lot of family stuff.
t: i should just LIE next time.
i: ahhhhhhh!
i: say "oh, mom, i totally forgot. i have to be writing this paper and i have a bunch of studying to do for (fill in subject blank at random) so i really can't. sorry!"

i rest my case.

this cracks me up:

The Vague But Nice Quiz by blusteryvirginsrc=http://img.livejournal.com/userinfo.gif>blusteryvirgin

and it was the version of never was off the amy's view soundtrack. when i bought swim with me i just couldn't bring myself to delete one of the versions of never was now stored on my computer. speaking of which i think i'll go rip all the songs off my sister's ten things soundtrack. eh, sisters are good for something, right?

today was one of the most bizarre days i've ever had and to top it off i realized that passage of time is 4:18 long which means absolutely nothing to anyone else. and when that song ended itunes was smart and randomly chose to play never was. i love my computer sometimes. i swear it's telepathic.

good night, all. this has been a day of many many ups and downs, much productiveness and timewasting, and much listening to songs over and over again. i think i'm just pmsing. i hope. if it's anything else i swear i will scream. anyway, good night. really.

the passage of time has left me with a blank inside
i am waiting for the day when i can say that to you
i am breathlessly waiting for the day
when i can say that to you and not be lying
and i want to say no i am not still waiting
no i am not still hoping
no i am not still dreaming
about you...
and when i told you i though i was over this
i wasn't lying i just happened to be wrong...
but it feels so natural to be with you...
your eyes your eyes your eyes...
my confusion springs from clarity...
i am breathlessly waiting for the day
when i can say that to you
and not be lying
i am breathlessly waiting for the day
when i can say that to myself
and not be lying...

this is for megan:
when you feel all alone
and the world has turned its back on you
give me a moment please
to tame your wild wild heart
i know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
it's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
when darkness is upon you door
and you feel like you can't take any more

let me be the one you call
if you jump i'll break your fall
lift you up and fly away with you into the night
if you need to fall apart
i can mend a broken heart
if you need to crash then crash and burn
you're not alone

when you feel all alone
and a loyal friend is hard to find
you're caught in a one way street
with the monsters in your head
when hopes and dreams are far away
and you feel like you can't face the day

let me be the one you call
if you jump i'll break your fall
lift you up and fly away with you into the night
if you need to fall apart
i can mend a broken heart
if you need to crash then crash and burn
you're not alone

because there has always been heartache and pain
and when it's over you'll breathe again
you'll breathe again

when you feel all alone and the world has turned it's back on you
give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart

let me be the one you call
if you jump i'll break your fall
lift you up and fly away with you into the night
if you need to fall apart
i can mend a broken heart
if you need to crash then crash and burn
you're not alone

and right after that song finished itunes decided to play two beds and a coffee machine. take a hint, hun. another ditch in the road, you keep moving, another stop sign, you keep moving on...

wow. way too many connotations here. i'm just going to stop now. nobody but me understands this and i'm not even sure i do. ignore what i wrote.

i should go to bed so i'll be awake enough to put in my contacts tomorrow morning.

PURPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *does a victory dance*

i really should work on this whole writing faithfully thing. it just doesn't seem to happen.

saw allette brooks live today for the second time and she remembered me. not my name or whether i had purple hair last week, but she remembered my face. of course the reason that she would remember my face is a bit embarrassing (caddie, carey and tamar know what i'm talking about)...but whatever. i'm not just nonentity fan number whatever. can i just say that allette is awesome? i bought swim with me and have a free period first thing on monday so i think i'll take my time and walk to school, maybe blow my last four bucks on breakfast somewhere along university avenue.

"and when i said i thought that i was over this i wasn't lying i just happened to be wrong..."i love that line...that and "and if i ponder my reflection, if i dwell in my regret, every doubt and indiscretion, then i might go crazy yet..." those two quotations are like the story of my life. and i love being one of the people that allette has to tell not to give away the jokes during the show. wheeeeeeee!

oh and in case people haven't figured it out yet i have a guestbook now. go sign.

my hair is purple and i got contacts. *happy* it's amazing how happy purple hair dye can make me...inordinately happy. add to that hanging out with tamar and carey on a suday and seeing allette play live (again) and getting my email to work and finding out that i have email from toni, caddie, katiye, and carey...all in all it was a brilliantly wonderful day!!

i'm writing you a letter inside my head
and it will promptly dissappear
as soon as each word
has
been
said

i'm sitting in a corner
by myself in minnesota
hunched over in a dusty orange chair
trying to dodge thick threads of smoke
but i know in the morning
i will smell it soaked into my hair

it's like waking up with a stranger
or a lover
for the very first time
an unfamiliar vista
something misplaced
a slight betrayal of the self
that won't quite wash away
but when i think of you all i have is
the night before the morning after yeah
the night before the morning after
that never was

i'm writing you a letter inside my head
i should be thinking about
what i'm gonna play
when i get onstage instead
and the three piece band before me
is all in a tizzy
they're cussing at the soundman
over some technical difficulties
and the friendliest thing
that i see in the room is the disco ball
spinning stars onto the wall
like the night sky with no moon
like the night sky with no moon

it's like waking up with a stranger
or a lover
for the very first time
an unfamiliar vista
something misplaced
a slight betrayal of the self
that won't quite wash away
but when i think of you all i have is
the night before the morning after yeah
the night before the morning after
that never was

it's been four full months
since i first and last saw your face
in a place so much more real than this
the wind made our eyes water
and our ears ache
and we strode over sand
to the place where the rocks mark
the end of the bay
and we stared out at open ocean
we stared out at open ocean

but i can't say that i'm filled with
regret over
what hasn't happened between us yet
'cuz i am at a crossroads
and i have yet to choose

will i ever wake up
with a stranger or a lover again
for the very first time
or will i just think of you yeah
and the night before the morning after yeah
the night before the morning after
that never was